Cottage BlueBird

new life...

Well, it's done.

Exactly 9 years to the date after I met my future husband, he is now my ex-husband.

I'm divorced. The papers were signed by the judge on September 3rd...

I thought I was ready for it to be over and move on, but now, I'm reeling again...I'm on an emotional roller coaster and I just want off!

Bottom line? I love him. I always have. He's gorgeous, he's a kind person, he's brave and thoughtful.  The last few years has found us both dealing with a LOT and has sent us both into a dark depression that was impossible to climb out of together. It changed him and it changed me. He had to go his way, and I, mine.

I'm still having a REALLY difficult time with the realization that he had mentally "left me" a long time ago. He had to have. How else could he bear not seeing me? It makes me SICK with longing when I think about his face. Now that I'm living in my own place again... alone for the first time EVER, I find myself experiencing that empty feeling in my heart again. I wish he was here to lay my head on. I wish he was here acting goofy trying to cheer me up. I just wish he was here.

But, in the end, he's right.

I don't deserve to be with someone who doesn't love me 100% and he just simply doesn't. He wants to change many things about me that I guess at this point aren't changeable. It's really hard to stay focused on that those are just things HE doesn't like and not necessarily that I'm really a bad person. I just have such self-esteem issues that being essentially "DUMPED" in the most literal of definitions has left me feeling unlovable.

Don't worry... I'm fighting the good fight. I know down deep I am good and worthy...it's just that those voices that like to pick on me are screaming just a little bit louder right now.

I'm trying to stay busy fixing up my new place and concentrating on work.

I would like to start blogging again because since moving, my creative juices are definitely kicking into gear. However, this blog has too many memories...I'm trying to decide if I want to keep my bluebird blog or move on to something new.

Plus the thought of not paying $8.95 a month to typepad is a strong consideration... :)

I AM alone for the first time. Yes... the first time. I've never lived alone in my life, well, at least not for more than a week or so. I tried once in college, but I always took people in.

Here's a picture of my future... my door to my magical new apartment.

I'm hoping to make a decision soon about whether to stay or move on... but if I do move I hope you guys will follow... I love each and every one of you!

xoxo

Most awesome week EVER!

Ok, so I have had the most completely awesome week EVER!! Actually, it was mixed together with a little bit of total insanity, but the good FAR outweighs the bad!

Here's a rundown:

GOT AN APARTMENT AND IT ROCKS! (pics coming later)
Spent some seriously needed quality time with my best friend!
Made some great business connections
made new friends at a new side job and had a BLAST!
and just now....

I WON A GIVEAWAY AT A NEW BLOGGY FIND (new for me anyway) Southern Hospitality!

I have had a pretty freakin awesome week and I can't WAIT to share more.

But with all this awesomeness, comes work and responsibility (and hopefully an end to the ridiculous insomnia I've had), so off I go!!

xoxo!

edited to add:
this is what I won!

These glasses are found at the fabulous: My Sparrow

Her work is new to me and pretty awesome. I can not WAIT to get them. I've only won one givaway before, and for whatever reason, the post office never delivered it. I know she sent it, but it never came... :(

I can't wait to sit in my new apartment and sip some tea from one of these!!

changes...

I deleted them...

Yes... I deleted every post that has anything to do with my marriage and it's failure.
 

I have made a decision that I no longer wish this space, this place that is about MY love of decorating, cooking, photography and all around creative yumminess, to be a place to air the parts of my life that are no longer working.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE each and every one of you, and your words of encouragement have meant the world to me. Really.

It's amazing to me that we bloggers reach out to each other the way we do. It's beautiful, really. A world of "pen-pals". There for each other in celebration AND in sadness.

I thought long and hard about this.

On one hand, I felt like taking down the negative posts would be taking away from my authentic self. Hiding the world that I currently live in. By not talking about my sadness, I would be in a sense lying about it.

But that's not true.

I think in focusing on the good parts, the parts of my life that DO bring joy, that I will be sowing happiness and change in my life.

Change is not always bad. It doesn't have to be a change that you wanted, to, in the end, actually bring happiness and fulfillment.

I wish that for myself.

I hope in the months ahead, I can keep my head above water and keep my eye on the future. The future that includes life changes on immense proportions. Job changes, housing changes (new decorating projects), and travel. I have a lot going on. And not all of it, in fact hardly any of it, revolves around this one area of my life that is ending.

Divorce is death.

My old life is dying and my new life is beginning.

I'm excited about this new life.

I'm mournful of my old life.

I'm fearful of absolute failure.

I'm excited by the challenges I have.

I'm looking forward.

I hope I never look backwards again.

But I know I will... and that's ok, too.

quick hello and some pictures!

Hellooooo!!!!

I can't believe it's been a month since I posted last!

Guilt is a strange bird that I will discuss later if there's time, but for now... I thought I would show you guys some pictures!

I couldn't post the pictures till I had the model release and I couldn't get that till I sent the parents a finished file that they could have! Well, I never had any time to work on them till last week!

Ok,

so, here's a few. I hope you enjoy. It was wonderful!

  

  

Hopefully be back soon with MORE!!

eye candy

So today has been spent with a migraine that felt like someone was stabbing me with a hot poker through my head while blinding me with laser beams...

sigh. This is the second in a month.

I really hope I'm not getting "prone" to them again. I had them in college and mostly in 1996 when I moved to Portland, OR. I figured out eventually that it was the pill and stopped it. No migraines since then. Headaches, yes. Migraines, NO!

Migraines are a special kind of pain. The sort of pain that when it finally dulls to the point where you JUST feel like there are razor blades jostling around in your head, you are actually grateful and feel "better".

Anyhoo, since I'm sitting here awake (having napped all day), and am finally at razor blade status, I thought I would come share some eye candy I've been collecting the past few weeks.

I'm still not ready to show workshop pics. I haven't had a REAL moment to work on them properly and I'm being VERY judgmental of myself.

So you'll just have to look at decor eye candy! (what a shame)

I found these looking back at me in the pages of my favorite mag! Luckily they were on the site as well. What wouldn't I do to get a little retreat like that! The glass! The Chandeliers!! The old wood! The textiles! The iron! swooooonnnn.....

   

She says her husband built it for her... I need to know where I can find one of those.

traveling

I have a big, wonderful, exciting weekend coming up.

I am taking a workshop from a woman, who in my humble opinion, is one of the greatest child photographers I've ever seen! I just love her work. Her processing, her composition, her confidence, the fact that she wants to TEACH OTHERS! (giving back isn't always easy, even if you ARE getting paid).

The workshop is in Monroe, Louisianna. Six hours from home. I've decided to drive. I love to drive. I used to drive home to Alabama when I lived in California and also in Oregon. Driving relaxes me and often inspires me. Driving is what made me want to be a photographer in many ways. To capture, beautifully, the scenes that I was driving by. Desert, mountain, plains, rolling grass hills.. whatever. I loved it. It's exciting to go a direction I've never been. Down a highway that I've never seen. Especially in the south. You never know what little town you will come across.  I have boxes and boxes of film taken with my little EOS Rebel that I got in high school. It always made me feel so good to have it. To stop on the side of the road just to take a picture. Some of them are good. Most are NOT! At that time in my life, I didn't realize artists needed to study!! I thought you either had it or you didn't. That simple! LOL!

There's a little piece of me that just wants to keep driving after the workshop. To drive to my dear friend in Arizona, drive to the coast and hear the crash of the ocean. Drive to Portland to kiss a sweet baby's face and see my soul sister. Drive to Montana to once again see the valley flowers, snake river and rising mountains. I'm such a wanderer. I thought being married would change that about me. It did. But now that my marriage seems to be crumbling, I think about it all the time. It's not escape, not running away. It's more about experiencing. Seeing, looking, smelling, capturing. Seeing once again what it feels like now, I took for granted.

But I wont.

For now at least.

No, now, I'm 35 (36 in a week) and I have bills, debt, responsibilities and people who need me.

For now...

I read a post this morning that really resonated with me. Sometimes in these computer relationships, you find someone whose life seems to be right in sync with yours and you wonder if you should even comment on it or will you just seem like a crazy stalker! I usually go ahead and comment and hope for the best!! LOL!

Well, she was talking about focus with photography. It felt so relieving to hear someone else say they have creative A.D.D.! I am always coming up with a new direction for photography. I do feel like I know what I want my "business" to be, but then I will go, but this, and this and maybe this... THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH IN ONE DAY, MEGAN!!

I saw this video the other night... blew me away. Sadie, dear.. I hope you watch!

*video seems to have issues, just go watch it at his site, it's better there anyway!*

If for whatever reason, it wont play here, go to his site. Go to his site anyway, he is a new treasured find. A kind soul, a GREAT photographer and his wife's name is Meg... love it all!

And related to all of that, I read this on a forum I belong to. This is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!!

Progression of a photographer

1. You start out with very little knowledge
2. You start doing research and realize it is much more difficult than you imagined.
3. You begin to pick up knowledge, the technical side of things.
4. You begin to use the technical knowledge and it works.
5. You start to feel as if you are mastering the technical
6. You begin to feel you know a LOT.
7. You start posting images that you are proud of.
8. You KNOW your images are better than much of what you see.
9. Family and friends start to oooo and aaaahhh at your images
10. Pro's don't seem to acknowledge you.
11. You think it's jealousy. (note: i'm not sure about this one, i tend to think it's because they know I'm a fraud!)
12. You reach a valley in your photography. You are starting to notice that your images aren't quite what you thought they would be.
13. You start to notice that, in your images, the models hands, the composition, the depth...isn't quite what you wanted.
14. Even your very favorite photograph isn't as good as you once thought. "I should have . . . "
15. You are now completely dissatisfied with everything you have ever shot.
16. You begin to realize that your photography is NOTHING compared to the masters.
17. You begin to see the differences in your photography compared to what you see published.
18. Now you are beginning to learn.

therapy

I did the most amazing photo shoot with my best friend last week!

It was fantastic on so many levels... her boys are SO much fun and such BIG personalities. It was a warm, wonderful day.

But one thing that really stood out to me is how much more comfortable I am becoming in my "photographer skin".

I still don't look at my images as "perfection", but I am starting to see a skill show up. I feel that my composition is improving and my exchange with my subjects is getting easier.

These are all VERY therapeutic things....

Aren't they just the most beautiful children??

 

 

snow

isn't it amazing how quiet it gets when it snows?

     

   

 

till kitty finds you and wants attention...

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

more inspiration

This is the COOLEST homemade bookshelf I've ever seen! I found it here: http://emmas.blogg.se/

I have GOT to do that! Wonder where the molds came from?

Emma's Design Blog. I like it. Just found it 10 minutes ago and I already want to share. She share's a lot. Finding really cool design that is mostly modern/comtemporary, but with a soft edge so that people like me are REALLY drawn to the simplicity of it.

Like look at this bed: She credits Anna Kern for the photo, whose website is also eye candy.

   

And also this kitchen. Cottage, but modern. Open shelves but because everything is white, it looks so clean!

   

and this bed. It reminds me of my bed in college. Very bohemian, but still grown up and soft. This may be the guest bed in my next house! (or apartment, whichever we end up in. )

 

Still no progress on the goodbye letter to 2008. Maybe I should just keep it short and sweet.

But I guess that wouldn't be completely fair. There were a lot of really great moments thrown inbetween all the suckiness. :)

 

bloggy A.D.D.

Ugh!

I do this everytime I come home from visiting, and I think it gets worse every time. I have no trouble's sitting at the computer (sitting on mah butt is what I do best), but I have NO idea what to share or talk about.

Hmmmm....

Maybe I should share a few of the NEW blogs I have found. I've found some yummy ones.

Let's see... In the category of Photography, I have found:

1. ISPhotography
2. Simply Photo
3. Maine Momma
4. Wonderings and Wanderings (slowly building a blog crush here!)
5. Oh, and The Image is Found : these guys are high - tech, and for sure above average professionals, but I really like the personality they express in their blog.

pretty good, huh?

Ok, in the crafty & Decor department (they go together because MOST decorator's also craft because of our love of simple {cheap} decorations)

1. How About Orange
2. Junk Sophisticate
3. Door 16 - found from the Homie Awards. Very cool and modern, but not so modern that it looks uncomfortable.
4. Inspired Kara (also possibly more than just a bloggy buddy if the Hubs gets a job in St. Louis!!)

5. Posie Gets Cozy (an old favorite that I forgot about and recently re-discovered, she's really awesome!)

6. Sweet Paul - this guy is a professional, but really cute and funny. Besides, I like any guy who crafts, cooks and decorates.

7. Design Sponge - yes, yes, most of you already know of this blog, but I'm a little late to the party, and I have to say starting to embrace a more modern design influence.

So, I hope you enjoyed that.

One trend that I have to say I've been enjoying is a goodbye letter to 2008. I think I will do that tomorrow. I need to say goodbye to 2008, it was a stinker! (although not as bad as '07, so we're on the upswing, huh?)